Disney Saves The NBA, Buys Splash Mountain A Few More Months Of Being Super Racist — FLEXX

ORLANDO, FL-Bob Iger, Executive Chairperson to The Walt Disney Company and Michael Eisner blood spawn, scored a clutch three-pointer amidst the many Coronavirus shutdowns of Disney parks and subsidiary companies.

After crossing streams at the C-Suite urinals, Iger and NBA Commissioner, Adam Silver, devised an idea to save the ‘19-’20 season: host all 22 teams in a church-lock-in-style, “if I got it, you got it” quarantine bubble on The Walt Disney World Campus in Orlando, Florida. As an added bonus, Disney’s PR team calculates that this alley-oop to the NBA might be just “black enough” to buy a few more months of not having to close down Splash Mountain.

“Splash Mountain?” asked a Disney PR representative, “Why are we talking about that silly ride when we can be talking about all the dope slam dunks we’re gonna see this season now that basketball is back? That ride was from a different time… but basketball is timeless or whatever.”

In the last few weeks and basically since forever, Disney has been pressured to redesign or close down their infamous attraction, Splash Mountain, which is based on the characters and music from their racist 1946 film, Song of the South.

This deal, however, will allow the NBA to finish their season and put a few extra bucks in the pockets of the people who are struggling, like Mark Cuban, Scrooge McDuck, and others. It will also give the league a huge platform in the midst of the Black Lives Matter movement running strong throughout the country, which Disney hopes will help fans forget about that part of Splash Mountain when you’re about to go down the big drop and Br’er Rabbit proudly exclaims: “Boy howdy, I sure do miss slavery, mhm!”

Some players like Kyrie Irving, Dwight Howard, and Carmelo Anthony have opposed the plan, stating “this is not a time for games. We need to focus on the bigger issue at hand”. On the other hand, Adam Silver and the team owners see the benefits of haphazardly painting ‘#BLM’ on center court so that they can ride Splash Mountain whenever they want, even though the ride glorifies the Antebellum South and makes you wear wet jeans for the rest of the day.

While it would seem like an easy fix for a multi-billion dollar amusement park on full lock-down to simply change the music and animatronics of the ride to be even slightly less offensive, Disney employees say it’s not that simple.

“Mr. Iger can’t just call some of his thousands of Imagineers, who are literally paid to imagine fun, family-friendly solutions to Disney’s long history of problematic content,” said Iger’s executive assistant, as he put on a Jafar costume for his next shift. “He has Pilates at two. Also, he doesn’t give a shit about racism.”

Originally published at https://www.flexxmag.com on June 18, 2020.

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Comedy Writer based in Chicago. Writing for Flexx, The Junction, Word Brothel, Extra Newsfeed, and more! Human person.

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Justin Borak

Justin Borak

Comedy Writer based in Chicago. Writing for Flexx, The Junction, Word Brothel, Extra Newsfeed, and more! Human person.

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